Small bust, big heart

Chest spectacular: Kelly Brook models for Giles Deacon

Loving clothes as I do, you’d think I’d love London Fashion Week.  But I don’t — in fact, I hate the silliness of the fashion world, a planet so far removed from reality and so drenched in ego.  Who’s on the front row, which bitch fest is kicking off among celebrities and fashion editors, who’s got fat, who’s got thin, what was that she was wearing???  And now… did you see her boobs, they were so dated?

You see, the fashion pack has declared that big breasts are à la mode.  Incidentally, this comes about three weeks after the New York Times said exactly the opposite.  Confusing isn’t it, figuring out whether your lady lumps are the height of fashion?

The curvy revolution began when Christina Hendricks captivated the world with her ample bosom and pin-up body.  The star of Mad Men has become a paparazzi favourite and the poster girl of ”real women” (ah-hem, what do you mean? I’m real and my “curves” have a barely-there vibe about them). 

Marching onward, the trend for big boobs got a boost when, back in the Spring, Prada’s catwalk show in Milan saw plenty of boing action.  Voluptuous models revived the comely, sixties-style look that Hendricks has popularised. 

In the last few days, London Fashion Week, which was showcasing collections for Spring/Summer 2011, has also flown the flag for the abundantly-chested, with bouncy Kelly Brook and Abbey Clancy modelling at Giles Deacon’s show.

Dammit, I’d best sit this season out then.

While I find it laughable that body shapes can be “in” or “out”, I am reassured that even if my breasts are not de rigueur, at least I will never be so dim as to believe all this claptrap, or worse, select implants on a seasonal basis depending on what’s hot. 

I also take heart that fashion law-makers and their most devout followers don’t represent most people.  Those of us with half a grain of common sense don’t really believe that breast shape is something that should be decreed in vogue, or worse, a fashion faux pas. 

Let’s bring this right down to earth with a simple acid test: what do fellas think?  Edward Keenan at Eyeweekly rubbishes the idea with great wit and refreshing honesty:

“Speaking on behalf of my gender, allow me to compile a partial list of the types of breasts we think are this season’s — and every season’s — big thing: large breasts, really large breasts, small breasts, very small breasts, medium-sized breasts, pert breasts, saggy breasts, breasts with small areolas and big nipples, with large areolas and small nipples, with bumpy areolas and inverted nipples… in the interests of space, we can sum up the general category of breasts men like with a word: breasts.”  

Note: This is a taste of the sort of story I cover in my “Boobs in the News” bulletins. An exclusive bulletin will be sent to my newsletter subscribers shortly, along with a chance to win something rather nice.  Subscribe to my newsletter now to get this special delivery in your inbox.

Tags: big breasts, breast shape, small breasts

Wonder Woman: Still hot for a 69 year old, but gone are the iconic spangly pants and red boots

June 2010. For what will it be remembered? England’s embarrassing World Cup campaign, which left lots of folk wondering if the Three Lions ought to be replaced by a trio of cuddly house cats? The cut, cut, cut of the new UK government’s slasher-style debut budget? A sunny Glastonbury Festival?

Before you decide on the month’s most memorable story, check out this “Boobs in the News” roundup. Heavyweight news? No. Amusing water-cooler fodder? Yes!

• Megan Fox — the 24 year old, beautiful Hollywood starlet — stunned onlookers at the Los Angeles premiere for Jonah Hex. Her newly skinny frame was accessorised by a mask-like face, trout pout lips and stuck-on boobs, suggesting that the young actress has had quite a bit of surgery. Why oh why? Natural beauty, youth, sexiness: the only thing lacking must be self-esteem.
• Cougars are out of control. In April, I reported that they were keeping the saucy lingerie market afloat. Now, I find that they’re also fuelling a boom in cosmetic surgery. Over 45s are throwing their cash at surgical procedures to keep looking glam — and maintain their relationships with younger guys. Tummy, boobs, bum and face are the main targets.
• The Undie Awards proclaimed their winners for 2010. Categories included bras, panties, shapewear and men’s underwear. Functionality and comfort seemed to be winning traits, rather than fashion and sexiness.
• Orlando Bloom broke a few hearts by announcing his engagement to Victoria’s Secret model, Miranda Kerr, whose modest bust and elfin features are refreshingly different for a lingerie model. Shame Victoria’s Secret seems to have airbrushed her bustline to enhance her curves for their campaign. Pointless.
• “Lady” Ga Ga’s attention-seeking antics looked desperate when she went to a baseball game wearing a studded bra and knickers. I’m all for the underwear as outerwear trend, but this seems a little OTT for a chilled afternoon watching sport. The eye-catching outfit was teamed with some bratty behaviour and a snog with a girl.
• Mother & Baby magazine’s deputy editor, Kathryn Blundell, caused a storm when she wrote a feature defending her decision not to breastfeed because it would diminish her sexuality. She revealed that her breasts were her “fun bags” and she found it distasteful to think of stocking her nipples in a baby’s mouth. Brave woman for opening the debate? Or mad?
• Trinny Woodall — part of the What Not to Wear duo that famously crusaded for women to wear good, well-fitting bras — got papped going braless under a sheer chiffon dress. Revealing a lot more nipple than the arbiter of good taste would advise her makeover subjects, Trinny showed that even small busted women need a bra to protect their modesty.
• The 69 year old crime fighter and feminist superhero, Wonder Woman, is famous for her hourglass shape, star studded pants and scarlet corset. But, to celebrate the 600th edition of the Wonder Woman comic, she’s had a makeover. She’s still buxom, but her new toned-down style includes leggings and some rather sensible navy shoes.

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Tags: cosmetic surgery, lingerie, Miranda Kerr, Undie Awards